Perhaps I can say that life is more back to normal, the tears are not as frequent and life has started to close up the gaps. Occasionally I will think of Gee and something sad or difficult that happened, like when his bike was stolen. I will feel bad and wish that his life had been better and happier. Its hard to let these thoughts go and leave it all in the past.
Mostly, grief has receded into some quiet but persistent background hum. So you keep going with the demands of life, but these past years have taken their toll on my energy. Slowly I am doing less and less and less. I dropped out of the choir, then I decided against doing the last local amateur dramatic show. I’m not worried about all this. I hope that my energy and motivation for these things, that I was once wildly enthusiastic about, will eventually return. I am still doing a yoga class and have now taken up the gentle pursuit of painting, which I find creative and rewarding
Generally I think I’m wiser, and more pensive, I rush less and think more. Kinder as well, but also more feisty at times. I am far more willing to speak my mind, well what’s the problem when you have faced death! I can’t say I am the open, happy soul that I once was – I feel darker somehow and more complex. I think I am depressed at times and I slip very quietly through my days
My youngest son Josh came to stay for a few months during the summer break, and it was a gift. For a little while I could be a Mum again, and although he’s really too old to be looked after, well I did and it satisfied some strange need inside. We talked a lot, about Gee and everything and I felt we got much closer. He’s back in Sheffield now starting his second year at Uni, he might never come again for so long but he was here when I most needed it. Magic!
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