This state needs a little understanding. For a person who is bereaved its not so much that you deny the fact your beloved is dying or dead, rather that you simply CAN’T BELIEVE that this is how it really is.
At first you are reeling with shock and numbness. It’s a kind of timeless, frozen state, where you and everything around seems almost paralysed. It takes a long, long time for your feelings to slowly ‘thaw’ out and reality to creep back in.
It may sound a harsh and difficult way to live, but in fact it is nature’s kind way of helping you through such a difficult experience. If you truly faced the reality of your loss, your mind would simply be unable to cope with the overwhelming feelings.
It seems as if the winter ice of grief, slowly melts, drip, drip, drip, preparing for spring and new beginnings to come again. Crying is a very healing thing to do at this early stage, it may seem overwhelming at the time, as if the tears will never stop!! But of course they do and the process is a way of warming the ‘winter ice’ inside us, to bring warmth, comfort and release.
Vivien on denial:-
For so long it was easy for me just to imagine that Gee was in Thailand and that he would soon email me to say he was coming home. I knew he was dead, I was there wasn’t I? But I can really say that it did take a bit of me a very, very long time to accept he was never, ever coming home – in fact that bit of me still can’t believe it when I look at his picture. So the ice is not thawed even now.
A year on, and I still cannot believe he is dead, although I know that he is. Strangely, I find these two quite incongruent states of mind can co-exist within me.
Telling the Story
We employ various strategies to help us learn to live with our loss. Going over and over it in your mind, telling the story to friends and family, helps us slowly ‘work it out’ You ask, Why? How? Why them? Why me? In this way the denial starts to fade and acceptance begins to take root. Sadly there is no escape from the feelings we have temporarily put aside. They must slowly emerge into our consciousness, for us to come to terms with, tears may well up, so let them flow. This may take quite some time to happen, and several years on we can be surprised to find that we are still playing the denial game. But let’s remember to be as kind to ourselves, as nature has been to us.
Vivien on denial:-
Some of my friends have said, ‘I simply could not cope if anything happened to one of mine.’ I have always found that a thoughtless thing to say, because in that statement there is an implicit judgement on the way you are managing to cope, but its more to do with a lack of understanding on their part. You will get a lot of it in one way or another, as no one can really know until, heaven forbid, it happens to them.
So I say to them, ‘I can’t really cope either, but nature is kind and settles a gentle blanket of denial around you and allows reality to sink in bit by bit. This is how it is and when it happens to you, as it will in one way or another, you will be protected as I am being now. So please don’t frighten yourself, but just remember to appreciate every moment of your family.
Recent Comments